Ollie Ollie Ollie is My NameOh!

My turn, my turn my turn!!! Hi! I’m Ollie! I’m the tall one (don’t tell Russell I said that! He thinks he’s the biggest dog in the whole wide world!). Hey, did you know that “Russell” does NOT mean “Pawesome” like Russell said it does?? TMW told me that he was just saying that. Boy! Next she’ll tell me that it doesn’t actually say that Russell’s name is the definition of “Alpha dog” in the dictionary!

Russell’s really really really really smart! He knows EVERYTHING. Did you know that “Ollie” really means “Bird Brain”? I don’t really know what that means, but I think it means that I’m really smart when it comes to birds! HEY, did you know there are a BUNCH of HUGE METAL BIRDS that fly over our yard??? No matter WHAT I try, I can’t catch them!!! Russell says they’re not birds and that our humans actually FLY around the country (and the world in Alpha Mom and Alpha Male’s case) in them! He may know a lot, but that’s just silly!

OH Today one of the WORST things in the whole wide world happened! TMW grabbed mine own paws!! She kept grabbing it and grabbing it no matter if I pulled it away or not! It was HORRIBLE. Russell doesn’t like it much either when TW or TMW grab our own paws. And can you believe it, TMW claims that her face does NOT need my kisses! But it does! Her face ALWAYS needs my kisses! TW doesn’t really care unless I accidentally step on or get tangled in her tails (or on the bag that smells like Russell’s bum). I try not to tangle, but I just get SO EXCITED sometimes. Russell’s working with me on that. I know there’s something special about TW’s tails. When I first met her, she was at the people vet hospital place. She smelled funny, and she was connected to a MOVING TREE with a BUNCH of big fruits-one was yellow, one was white, and a BUNCH was clear. The fruits were connected to the bigger whirrers connected to the tree by tails that went through the tree whirrers and to TW. I think that’s how she eats! But ANYWAYS. Russell says I get off topic a LOT, but I don’t think that’s so. I just get so excited about so many things I want to tell him about like yesterday there was this HUGE beetle that sprayed some stuff on me that smelled like poop. The poop-sprayer beetle didn’t really like when I picked him up and played with him. Snails don’t really care. Snails taste good! TW says you can tell I’m a pedigree who’s original family came from France because I sure have a liking to ess-car-go. What is ess-car-go? I know what cars are. They are like big beetles that the humans get into and run all over the place in. I love riding in the car! And I love TW. And TMW. TW is MY bestest bud and owner for forever! She did smell funny when I first met her, but it didn’t take long for us to make that special pet-owner connection. I got to meet her at the people vet hospital place a few times. I couldn’t wait to go visit her ALL THE TIME! I knew when Alpha Male loaded me into the special doggie cage I haven’t figured out how to get out from we were going to visit TW. I don’t know why they wouldn’t let me just stay with her there. She always looked so so SO sad when Alpha Male had to take me home again. I was sad too. I missed TW SO SO much whenever we had to go back home.

HEY You wanna’ know the most pawesome-est game in the world??  It’s SUPER fun, and with how much Russell talks about it, I think he likes it too! It gets kinda complicated, so make sure you follow along. First, you get a stick or a piece of sprinkler pipe. Next, you whack Russell on the head with the pipe/stick. Isn’t that a great game?? I love love love love love love love it!

OH OH OH!!!!! Did you know Russell thinks a squirrel living right behind the fence in the evil doggie prison the humans keep calling a dog-run. But there’s NO room to run in there! We have to go into Doggie Prison whenever more humans come to eat super-yummy treats. I saw my first little human puppy. I think they are the Chihuahua breed of humans. I get really weirded out by them. I stuck behind them the whole time. They had no idea I was there. Even though I ran into them a lot of times…their bums do smell better than Russell’s, though. Russell tells me he smells very attractive to girl dogs. I dunno, the only girl dogs Russell really knows want to come over the fence and attack him…maybe there’s something to this “bath” thing the humans like giving us so much. They are scary, baths. Not like the squirrel Russell thinks is a dog-The squirrel’s name is Dr. Squirreleloo. Russell thinks the squirrel is another dog that smells like a squirrel because he never misses whenever a squirrel goes into his yard. Isn’t he silly?

Uh oh! I hear Alpha Mom waking up! I’d better skedaddle! BYE!!

Buttocks-Sniffing: Getting to Know You

I, Russell, get to do the first post!

A little bit about me. I am the stunningly handsome, ridiculously smart, and super strong Alpha Dog of the pack. I found my forever-home six years ago when I was adopted by Alpha Male and the Monster Wrangler, and so we don't know what breed mix I am. All the humans think I'm part Jack Russell and part Fox Terrier, but I'm pretty stinkin' sure I'm part Grey Wolf and part totally-way-cooler-than-Ollie German Shepherd. I am ruffly around 7 years old, and I was just recently diagnosed with cancer. I go in to surgery (whatever that is) to have the cancer removed. Tails crossed they're able to remove it without any problems. Someone's gotta be around to teach Ollie, my far less pawsome brother.

Ollie is a totally crazy, insane, and…individual…Brittany Spaniel. Much like his owner, the crazy Whirrer. They're always saying that owners look just their doggy companions, but where are the tails?? The Whirrer's the only human I know with tails, and they're not even from her bum! They come out her tummy, chest, and turf marker. She has, like, eight tails! Anyways, Ollie is a pawfectly healthy 1 year old pup. Alpha Male is always calling him 'Ollie the Destroyer'. He's also known as "You Dog", "Bubble Brain", and "Dumb Dog Dos" (pronounced 'dose'). I think 'Bird Brain' is more appropriate, honestly. He even runs into the invisible force field between us and the Forbidden Land (forbidden because Alpha Mom does NOT like having us dogs inside. Apparently, running wildly about the house, seeking out the bad guys and marking to make sure no dog can waltz in and claim this turf his, is NOT okay). We've only had him about a year. He loves following me around. No matter what I do, I can't shake him! When he was a much smaller puppy, I would run back and forth over and over again from one side of our yard to the other. After doing that a few times, Ollie would run out of energy and would be too tired to follow me. Now, he follows me close, snout pretty much up my bum. The duties of the Alpha Dog aren't all pork chops and bacon, you know.

Now, on to our best buds for life and owners, the Whirrer and the Monster Wrangler. Why is she called the Whirrer? Because she's ALWAYS making this whirring sound. She has a bunch of tails connected to the source of the whirring. All I know, is that without the whirring, the Whirrer would not be alive. She and Ollie are two shakes of a tail. Both have super curly fur (But humans only have fur on their heads! Weird...), both have bright, wide-with-curiosity eyes, both LOVE to play, and both are absolutely insane! The Whirrer is learning a new language-I think I heard her say German. All I know is she does NOT sound like a German Shepherd. Although, I get this odd urge to follow her commands when they're in this German…There is one German word I know-Mahlzeit! That means…FOOOOOOOOODDDDD time. And HOT DOG time! Dang it, I'm getting drool all over the abominable attention-stealer.

The Monster Wrangler is MY human, and I love her more than I love food! Even more than HOT DOGS!!! She knows JUST how to drive Ollie crazy, which scores even more pork chop points with me because he is the master at annoying! Ollie loves it, though. So really, annoyingness is lost on this bird brain. Now, the Monster Wrangler is called so because she knows JUST how to control the loud (and SCARY) Grass-Guzzler. The creature growls louder than the giant metal birds that are always zooming across the sky and spits grass at you if you try to scare it away from your human! I don't like the Grass-Guzzler. But the Monster Wrangler-boy, she sure knows her stuff! She always smells like yumminess. I love giving her kisses. The Whirrer NEVER tastes like food unless she puts on something they call Burt's Beeswax. Which I don't get. Maybe it's made of squished bees. But the Whirrer swells up when she gets too close to bees. All I know is it tastes WONDERFUL. Then she tastes like the plant growing all around the prickly-trees that I love to lay in. Back to my human, she's gone most of the day (from WAYYYYYY before the Sun wakes up to when the Sun is getting ready for bed!), which I really don't like. This place they call 'Skool' is not on my pork chop points list. But when she can, she makes sure to come tell me how much she loves me and lets me give her kisses before Mr. Bird Brain gets to her. Of course, the Whirrer helps keep Ollie pinned in the corner so the Monster Wrangler can pay attention to me.

So, when you are only able to type with your nose, typing things like The Whirrer and the Monster Wrangler gets to be really hard. So I'll call them TW and TMW. Don't forget!

I think that's enough for the first dog blog post. I'm gonna' go find me some HOT DOGS in the Food Paradise before Alpha Mom and TW comes home from the Human Vet.